[Back to Improving Ourselves]

Introduction

What do we do when other people do not do what we want them to do?  What follows are some thoughts which may be helpful.  They were originally written partly for a friend, in June 1993, but I suspect that not much has changed since then.  And they were written partly for myself: it is always easier to offer advice for other people, so I need to read and remember it too.

Conflict, in its various forms, is a normal part of life: people do not always do what we want - and this includes times when they want us to do things we don't want to do.  The question of how we handle it is vital for our wellbeing and success in life.

Strategies That Don't Work

Here are three common strategies which are less than ideal.

• Avoidance.  Pretend it does not matter; get out of the situation.
• Manipulation.  Try to force the other person to change; recruit other people onto your side to force the change; confront them directly, or work indirectly through a third party; make them an offer they can't refuse; use money, blackmail, threats or promises.
• Retaliation.  Hurt the other person; teach them a lesson for hurting or opposing you, and make sure they understand why they are being hurt; this will also send a message to others, warning them against even thinking of working against you.

None of these strategies seem too attractive.  They may possibly work, for a certain value of 'work', but using them will turn you into a person you probably do not want to become.  So what are the alternatives?

Strategies That Do Work

Here are ten strategies which do work: they may not make the other person do what you want, but they can help you handle the conflict in a way which is less destructive

Perspective.  Gain some perspective on the situation: how important is really?  Is my reaction to this conflict preventing me from enjoying other things, or doing other things I wish to do?

Hook.  Find the Hook: why does this matter so much to me?  Why can't I let go?  What is really going on inside me?   Is the force of my emotional reaction appropriate to the importance of the event?  (And, if not, perhaps exploring why might be helpful?  Which does not need to happen now, as part of dealing with this conflict, but it does need to happen - so maybe think about planing when it might be possible?)

Reality.  Accept the reality of the situation: this is the way things are.  I need to learn to live with it.  Other people do not always do what I want, and I can't really expect this to change.  Other people have their own goals, values and priorities, which I will not always share or understand.  I might or might not be able to do something about this particular situation, but this type of situation will come up time and time again.

Goals.  Re-examine my goals. What do I really want to get out of this situation?  If I could actually make the other person do what I want here and now, would that really help? Would it satisfy me?  Would it leave us both in a better position?  Will a victory here and now damage our relationship, leave me (and those I care about) weaker or worse off as a result?  What is the cost of winning?  Will I create enemies, produce anger or resentment in others?  Is it worth it?

Understand.  Understand the situation and the person: 'to understand is to forgive' - perhaps not always, but it certainly helps.  If you cannot understand why the other person behaves the way they do, you cannot act appropriately to them, and you cannot expect to produce the behaviour you would like.  You can never fully understand anyone, not even yourself, but you can go a long way towards it.  You can gain a working degree of understanding, and you can decide how much you want to understand at this stage.

Love.  Love the other person: see them as someone with needs and problems of their own, and seek to help them rather than hurt them.  If the problem is caused by their value system or unreal expectations, you immediately have a target, some area where you can aim to help them.

Timing.  Emotions are here and now.  As a child, that is all we experience; as an adult, I know that life is more than the feelings I have right now, and I know that these feelings, no matter how intense, will change and pass in time.

Limits.  My abilities and responsibilities are limited.  I cannot make other people behave the way I want, but neither are they completely unaffected by me.  I have the ability to influence and affect much, but control little.  I cannot even control myself, let alone other people and situations.  I need to recognise and learn my limits, and accept them as they are while seeking to extend them in particular ways.  I cannot do everything, I cannot be good at everything, so I need to concentrate on the things and the areas that matter most to me, and concern myself less or not at all with everything else.

Change.  I need to be open to the need for change.  I am not fixed and immovable: my goals and values need to change with the changing circumstances.  A few things - my need for God, my need for other people - remain fixed, but how they are expressed and worked out in practice needs to be flexible.

Act.  I do what I can, what is appropriate in this situation, then leave it.  I then do something about the other situations I can affect.  Working with what I can change might lead indirectly to an improvement in the thing that is bugging me now; hitting my head against a situation I cannot change certainly will not.  And producing a change for the better in something (anything!) is certainly going to be more fun and more satisfying than flogging a dead horse.